So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
