4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
