i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The uberlube is also flammable
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
