At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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