My liver just broke up with me...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is it because I queefed?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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