You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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