We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
