I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
