nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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