you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
