Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
