Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
