soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
