I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
