I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
