Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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