my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's never too late to be topless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize