Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
