I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
