How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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