You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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