if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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