dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
