Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just pee around me
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize