I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
