My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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