Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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