College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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