I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
