I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
