I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
