I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He better not be in your backpack
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
