I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
