she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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