dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize