I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
