david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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