the condom got lost in my hair
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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