Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
