she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Two words: blizzard sex
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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