Kiss
Puke
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize