i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize