Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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