a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
