Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
