Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
