you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
