I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize