who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
