You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
