The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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