Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
