my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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