She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
