Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
