wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
