There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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