That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
