Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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