I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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