I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
